Wednesday, June 30, 2010

La Beast Goes Salsa Dancing

Alright Kids....Lets just talk about what you missed last night.

You missed la beast in all her glory. In all her sass  awkwardness. It is no secret that I have potential to make any situation uncomfortable and embarrassing but this was just too classic.

Let me tell you a little story.
A story I like to call

"La Beast goes Salsa Dancing"

Fun Friend Jordan and I arrive late to Salsa Dancing lessons at Speakeasys down on Congress. Tall sassy salsa instructor calls us out "If you are late you have to pay an extra $10" I  look around uneasy. Muffle up a pathetic laugh and quickly look down at my feet. Fun Friend Jordan shouts "BUT WERE EXTRA ENTHUSIASTIC" calling all attention and all dancers to look our way. You know how I do.. with all eyes on me....Its impossible for me to make a normal face or even look anything close to a class act. What the heck am I going to do at my wedding? (far future) So now does this mean I have to be enthusiastic? Sass Instructor is impressed and lets us slide.

We learn the basics as a mass and then its time to "Partner Up". Im thinking exactly what you're thinking. Yes, this story is about to take a turn towards "very entertaining". Partner Bill was 40 and way too tall. All he could do was grin but I think its because he was taller and I was cute. Each rotated partner was equally as bad and equally as liger-ific as the next. When Liger # 7 was all sorts of wrong I looked to Jordan wondering why she thought this was a good idea.

Lessons came to a close and the bar was beginning to fill with new ligers which are now standing on the outskirts watching me awkward around with the current ligers. Notice how I didnt say dance around? Because what we were doing was in no resemblance of a dance.  I sat out the next dance and made my observations. There are only 2 types of men at this bar. Dancers and Ligers. No inbetweens yet a very fine line.

Dancer #1 promptly bolts to Jordan and I. "Would you like to dance?" He offers a hand. Before I know it we are on the dance floor and he is pulling all sorts of tricks. Tricks that I have not learned. One called a hairbrush. It requires you to be sexy. Can you picture this hot mess of me trying to pull off this impromptu sexiness? I can do choreographed, planned out sexiness but NOT I repeat NOT the hairbrush kind of sexy.

The hairbrush begins with Dancer #1 spinning me and ending with my hand close to my ear. From there he lets go. now I look like Im doing half the macarena. Great. What the hell do I do with this hand?!? So I pull it up into "high five" position, look side to side and ask "what do I do with this hand?" in the meantime my feet must have noticed the commotion and have stopped moving.

"Its the hair brush girl!"  He was a very attractive black man so reread that again in a black accent rather than a gay accent. (I sound shallow, but I'm really not)
Apparently he lets go of my hand so I can use it to comb through my hair and the rest of my body like a hairbrush/body roll. Ha! Alright! He also thinks I need to practice my sexiness. I know this because he continued to make me do the hairbrush.

Liger#7 from the lessons was back. Picture skinny, nerdy, Indian wearing Ed Hardy (Yes...those exist). Designer jeans, flashy belt and an embroidered graphic tee tucked in. Score.  "Lets go over here, where we have more room"
I chime "In front of everyone?"
"Yes" in broken English. I look around. The bar was beginning to fill up with normal people. Attractive males. Ones that will now think I cant dance. I suffer through Liger #7. Towards the end I realized that I had actually been mumbling my thoughts.
"Op! I guess I was supposed to go to the right"
"oh. ok. looks like Im going for a spin" 

I think the part that bothered me the I had NO idea what was coming next. I am a dancer. A Good dancer but with these jokes you would never guess I could dance on beat. I quickly bolt back to the table. Fun Friend Jordan had gotten pictures.

I had noticed two class acts maneuver their way to a table near by. Very cute. Both of them. Very straight. Sounds like this could be potential fun.  Before I know it Dancer #2 leads me to the dance floor. "Hi Im Taylor."
"Hi Taylor, Im Tope"
 "Like the color?"

Dancer#2 was another attractive yet younger black man. He was so cute. Smooth, gentle, freakin amazing smile. We actually danced and I was feeling a little bit better about life. He didnt pull any hairbrush tricks BUT I still needed to work on my sexy. I began concentrating on my hips. I put a little sass in them to make them flowy. It doesn't come naturally.

"Look you're a natural!" That was sweet of him. Dancer #2 had noticed my hip addition and was humoring me with encouraging lies.

I was too distracted to be sexy. Dancer #2's friend was still sitting at the table....watching us. Remember I don't do well with people watching me be awkward. Let alone extremely handsome ones.

Fun friend Jordan meets us back at the table. The 4 of us talk and all I can do is drool over this handsome kid.  Before I know it I am ripped away by Liger # 8.

Liger # 8 is as tall as me, 55, long nasty pony, faded white jeans, white shoes, and gay. He would say things like
"You got it girl!" followed by a wink and a finger point. Not a terrible dancer but a character for sure. Right when I started to get in the groove of this Liger I notice Handsome friend had made his was to the dance floor.

Shit. He. Can. Dance.
HE.CAN.DANCE. White Boy can Dance! Liger # 8 noticed my mind absence. Maybe it was the drool or maybe it was the fact I had stopped moving my feet.
He responds "Girlfriend- Im over here"

The next couple songs I cant take my eyes off White Boy. He is mesmerizing. Dancer #2 informed me that he is a salsa instructor as a hobby.  I turn down other Ligers just so I can watch this hunk of a man tear up the dance floor. And all the girls he dances with are gooooood. They have no problem being sexy. White Boy has seen me with Liger # 7 and Liger # 8. There is no way that he's going to ask me to dance after that.

White Boy comes back to the table. "Taylor, do you know how to cha cha?" Shit. Shit. Shit. I wasn't expecting this. I'm nervous.
"No. Im Nervous" I grin adorably to make up for any embarrassments that haven't happened yet
"Because you are a salsa instructor!"
"Let me show you"

He whipped me close to him. Like in the know how they do. We were cha cha-ing alright. And I had NO problem being sexy. Left, Right, Back, Spin, now he spins, hand behind the back, hairbrush, double spin, dip, back, open right, open left, now the same only he's behind me. Did you catch that hairbrush in there? I pulled off the hairbrush! I got down with my bad self! My hips moved the way they should. White Boy was daaaaaaaaammmmmnnnnn good.

 Right in the midst of our intense salsa connection he pulls a new trick. He spins himself and leaves my left hand by his ear. So Naturally I think what do I do with this hand? Its at his ear? Where have I seen this before? Oh yes! I know!

So I hairbrush him.

uh oh. That was wrong. I felt it immediately. I give him the look of "i'm sorry that wasn't right was it?"

He looks at me (so adorably) "Did you just hairbrush me?" I say almost simultaneously "I just hairbrushed you Im so sorry!"
This could go either way. Solidify a dancing partner for the rest of the night or feed me to the hungry ligers.

"Its ok I liked the double hairbrush (wink), lets do it again" Phew! And there I am off spinning again.
"You said its your first night to ever salsa dance?" says attractive white boy
"Yes" I was hoping it wasn't that obvious
"You are quick learner" and immediately dips me for the sexiest dip dipped on that dance floor. The kind where his hand traces my body a bit before lashing me back up to his body...never missing a beat.

HOT! HOT! HOT!  We were on fire and I pictured Liger #7 throwing his hands up in defeat before walking out of the bar.  Just kidding. I wasn't picturing anything but me and White Boy.

La beast goes Salsa dancing was an unexpected adventure I did not foresee taking at 6pm earlier that evening. But La Beast WILL be going salsa dancing again :)

Stay tuned for more stories.

The End


Christopher and Amanda Nash said...

ummm... that was halarious

Alex said...

Wooooo Taylor!!! That is hot hot hot!

jennifer said...


ps- why didn't we do that for revue??? The welsh did not prepare us well!

Susu said...

has ne1 seen Taylor lately? I thought this wz her blog.

Erny said...

wow wow weeee! i wouldn't have the guts to even sign up for salsa dancing lessons.

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