Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Ridiculous(-ly long) story about how Im awkward

There are so many things I want to blog about but I have to be patient. Now is not the time. Instead I can tell you how awkward I am. 

1. I usually REALLY enjoy awkward situations.
2. I am perhaps making these awkward situations more frequent...perhaps.


Narrated by: Someone other than la beast...maybe

Location: Austin, Texas. Apartment of Mo-Pac. Purple Couch. On the uncomfortable break between the two cushions. Between two pretty people (which makes la beast intimidated)

When: Monday, March 22, 2010 approx 10 pm

Who: La Beast + her beautiful bible study ladies

What..... happened:

La Beast walks in dressed to the nines in her carefully picked outfit, navy skirt, mustard blouse and cream cardigan.  This adorned with her carefully picked (and equally as fancy) 4$ necklace and paired with her $20 yellow bag. She smiles, with a hint of exhaustion and opens her arms out for hugs, and for queso. Seeing her friends gave her just the right burst of energy coming off of this long 12 hour work day. 

La Beast chats with the ladies about cute apartment decorations and Justin Bieber while the remaining girls arrived. Munching on chips and queso in the meantime. Her aderrall was starting to wear off and her mind begin wandering. It was time to begin. That's when la beast chose to sit on the purple couch, noticing the  candy screaming her name from the coffee table rather than the uncomfortable cushion crack her rear end was getting cosy with.

La beast's intentions were good. She wanted to contribute to the group this week but she just couldn't. She didn't blame the adderall completely. Its not that she wasn't listening, she was. She just wasn't thinking about what she was listening to. Awkward silences came and went, skipping along their merry way. La beast just couldn't form an opinion as to what she was listening to. It wasn't a terribly difficult topic to comprehend. It was about sin for pete sakes! Everybody has/does it! La Beast is very well acquainted with it. 

The ladies went around giving their thoughts, la beast learning from each and everyone, observing- thoughtlessly. As the evening went on la beast began to drift farther and farther away from the topic now filling her thoughts with other things such as,
"Did I give the neighbors back the extension cord we borrowed?"
oh wait! No! I didn't
Its still outside
Crap it thunder-stormed since then
Its all wet.
I wonder if I can touch it. Is it ruined?
I hope its not in a puddle
I should know this, I'm a science teacher!
But I don't want to get electrocuted. Like the warning labels on the hairdryers.
Who would blow dry their hair while bathing anyway?

La Beast is shaken from her overwhelming mind rant to a shift in conversation. Prayer requests. She is surprised to look down at her journal to find she had doodled the word "Prayer Requests". She didnt even know what she had done. La Beast looks up to see if anyone had noticed her absence.  They probably had.

The time was getting closer for La Beast to share. The anxious feeling she had rid herself of weeks ago was beginning to creep back. She jotted down notes so she could remember what to say. She reminded herself to speak slowly as she is known to speak so fast she doesn't make sense. La beast recorded every girls' request intentionally praying as she wrote each word. when la beast began to speak she prefaced with a sigh, one large enough to warn the population of the world ending but really it was a sigh of "Here goes La beast. Try not to make a fool out of yourself" Her request was quick and painless and bible study was over.

 La beast was happy to now have the opportunity to bond with the girls over  depthless issues like how they should all stop eating the queso but they cant. Nope. Wrong. Bible Study NOT over. It was time to "end in prayer" The leader stated that instead of one person end in prayer each person was to pray for the person to their left. OUT. LOUD. as a group

La beast wasn't facing the leader, but when those words hit the heavens her head whipped right around. 
"You mean, out loud?....Like out loud?" The rest of the group silenced their side conversations and all tuned in to her pre awkwardness. "yes" The leader responded.

The churning activity in la beast's stomach was replicated by the word vomit that spewed for all little ears to hear. "AHHHH! But I cant pray out loud! Like Im horrible. My prayers suck to begin with because I always stop mid prayer and start over unhappy with how I was wording things. But then it doesn't really matter because He knows my heart anyway and...and...uhh... do we have to?"

The leader looks around "No. You don't have to but I encourage it." 
La beast begins digging her grave. "But if Im the only one who doesn't do it...then everyone will know I cant pray out loud" La beast didn't notice that everyone was already listening. 
Wait. Thereeee. She caught on. 
She continues, "Well now this is awkward! because when it gets to me everyones going to be listening to how awkward Im going to be and then Ill be thinking about that which will make me awkward. Perfect La Beast. Way to be awkward"

As the narrator, I agree. Perfect La Beast, way to be awkward. The girls kind of chuckle...kind of. Which just adds to the drowning level of awkwardness. 

Right. Time to begin the closing prayer. Bearded dog Charlie (ew) prances around trying to touch la beast with his beard. As if she needed another distraction from what she was about to say. She needed a freakin script. To read word for word! She wasn't all about this improv business. 

She was next. La beast started out strong. because thats all she had time to repeat in her head over and over again. Then her mind followed through...like it does everytime. Dont get it wrong here folks. It followed through in failing her. Like erasing itself of every word in the English language and instead filing it lyrics from the Spice Girls and unconjugated spanish verbs like "Bailar" 

It stopped working mid sentence too. Which is always La Beast's favorite. It was silent. For a long time. Maybe 45 seconds. Two girls try and hold back their laughter from the other purple couch. You know? the kind where you are trying so hard not to laugh that you end up making a small goose noise as the air pushes past your sealed lips. La Beast laughs too and then quickly apologizes "Sorry guys, sorry"

Uh oh. Now she's done it. This could not be the ABSOLUTE WORST time to have the giggles. Now instead of focusing on prayer all La Beast can think is "do. not. laugh. shit taylor. do. not. laugh." The girls from the couch laugh again and La Beast whines like a 1st grader "Guuuuyyyyys! Stop laughing at me!"

I, the narrator, could punch la beast. grow up. finish the prayer. shut up. you are not allowed to talk to people and will go to time out when you get home. 
Prayer Share finished and no one mentioned her awkward prayer in hopes to deplete any further embarrassment.
La Beast came to the conclusion.
 or rather in front of people..Which is odd. Because she does it for a living! Who certified her to be a teacher with this illness.

Its times like this she just wants to...

and wallow away in self pity. 


End Scene.


Ashley said...

a. longest post of my life about a random story

b. Hilarious


omg that just made my day gah I love ya! and love your awkwardness...

ps i hate to pray out loud too!

souljane said...

HILARIOUS- i totally loved it. don't stop